Gremlins

Who remembers that Christmas cult classic that came out that cold day in 1984. No one? I mean Gremlins is a classic. It should have its own marathon like that in comparison to A Christmas Story. Bravo? Fox? Anybody? It stars the beautiful or at least what was considered beautiful Phoebe Cates. Could you imagine if that was instead played by Kendra? WOW. Than you have that weird looking dude Zach Gallinafikis or whatever. I mean horrible actor, but at least Gizmo was voiced by the the best bald dude with a fu man chu tai chi, none other than "deal or no deal" Howie Mandel. By the way did you know they have a fricking ferbie that looks like Gizmo. Why? I digress for now. All this reminiscing has made me ill. All I want to know is, did this man sell you a Mogwai?

Job Opportunity (NOT A PONZI SCHEME)

WHO WANTS TO BE A PIRATE?
 I am having auditions on Thursday March 3, 2012. We will kidnap Americans and have a "ransom war" on ebay which will be aired on truTV on Sunday evenings at 9pm PST and hopefully rerun every hour on the hour the rest of the week. VERY IMPORTANT: We will use all proceeds collected from each ransom for three things and three things only. Booze. Drugs. Red headed hookers.
Looking for male and females and ages from 21-33 and one old guy at least 72 years old with a gnarly beard and love for mediterranean cuisine. Please be physically fit and can lift at least 50 pounds. Looking for creativity with wardrobe and any kind of weapon skills. Preferably chinese shooting stars. Please no homemade shanks. No background check, but we will check your credit. No drug screening.

Push Ups

So recently I witnessed something that I would call the gayest moment in the history of my life. Push Ups. No not bras you pervs. Military style push ups by non military style men. Wait. And at a Friday nite hookah bar nonetheless. Now the hookah bar was a fine establishment, but push ups. Give me a fucking break. Eight boys wanting to be men, doing one handed push ups. Doing one legged push ups. Doing push ups and than that idiotic clap in between. Doing push ups in tandem. Counting push ups out loud. In case you have not graduated grade school and do not understand my rant, I was at a fucking HOOKAH BAR on a Friday evening. During this time I had psychotic episodes of drowning nearby in the Pacific Ocean, but than I would not be able to share this form of idiocy with you today. Its ok that my suicidal tendencies of thought occured this nite, however doing push ups at a hookah bar is not alright. Not never. Not ever. I see one more push up at a hookah bar and I swear a crime will be committed that night.

I said it!

“Life gets better when your around the right people!”

NewFoundLand

A strong wind blows to the north. A land which was never explored is discovered.
A sacred holy ground. A cold draft hovers above and a drop is dripping. My fingers which were once cold are now warm. A rainbow appears. Its beautiful like Picasso just painted it. A bond is formed. I discovered new land and within this land a treasure to supply the world. With FREEDOM.

Masterbathing

So I masterbathed today. It was full of anger while having breakfast in bed. It was like sunshine during a flood. It made me feel like the fat guy in Nintendo's classic Ice Hockey game. And yeah he was the best player because he was playing with power and power whips speed and that skinny crack fiend every time. The dilemma I have are the thoughts that went through my head during this moment of my life. Let me tarantino this and set the scene. Shower. Dark (dont judge). A little Alanis Morrisette in the background. Paul Mitchell Shampoo. Dove soap. Steaming hot water.
Now the action. It starts off with a "I need to wake up and get my ass to work" type of moment. Im tired. A little sleepy. Its early. I skipped my morning jog and meditation so there is a little regret in the air. The shower is burning my skin and it feels like I am the devil and this is my home. Than I rub my head (the one connected to my neck)in a "I should have been a gay hairstylist" motion. I feel like im in a Korean massage parlor and I want, wait I NEED a happy ending. I get this light bulb above my brain and there is a picture of my balls being massaged by Heidi Klum and she is telling me that "Im either IN or Im OUT". I begin to massage my balls as if Heidi is now controlling my hands. I grab the dove soap. Now its game on. My mind drifts to a goat. And specifically George Clooney making a goat tip over with his mind. A movie I just watched. I get harder. But like harder when you are not gay but like want to keep the masterbathing going and typically you would think of your grandmother. Weird I know. The lesson learned here is I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO SPELL MASTERBATHING.

Personal Rant

I have to say something and people are not going to like it. At this point I do not give 2 flying fucks, which ironically 2 flying fucks are worth 400 yen in certain countries. Anyway what is the damn problem with perfume. Don't people know they smell like cheap fucking hookers. Example: I was in a meeting at work, a small room, and this fucking old man smelt like dirty gym shorts, but with a old spice twang. I felt like I was going to barf in my mouth. Twice. Example: I was at a poker game when a mildly attractive woman sat down next to me. I could tell she had not showered, but she had on a perfume that reminded me of a shit I took in 1999 after eating rotten kimchee while in South Korea. The flashback I had took me to a place that I WOULD wish on all of my enemies. Fuck them. Example: I went to a bar with a friend of mine and again not a fucking shower. What is wrong with people where they will not shower. I really question their parents and their morals. They want to get fucking laid with formaldehyde weeping from their genitals. Seriously. Fucking morons. To his credit he did have axe deodorant, however it was not axe, but instead the cheap shit. And if your wondering if I am talking shit behind his back, I have told him to his face he is a FUCKING LOSER. Fuck all of you for judging. The point of this rant is to promote my new fragrance. PUSSY JUICE. Get it at your local grocery stores today. Also take a fucking shower men and women of the free world, and while your at it get a fucking LIFE.

Jungle Fever

TRUE STORY:
I was recently watching professional football or the National Football League for you ridiculous maniacs. It was while watching the NFL that I saw an action or a physical emotion if you will that really touched my dark lost soul. I mean the place where a heart goes within my structure at this moment was consumed probably with stuffed toilet paper but consumed nonetheless. I saw a football coach from the opposite team hug and place his arms around a mammoth of a football player and in essence caressed this beastling's torso with so much love that at that moment a tear ALMOST dropped from my eye. I mean this man hugged another man like he was his son. Now its possible it was his son however one man was white and the other man was black. If black people are reading this what I meant to say was BLACK. The public display of affection was so dramatic and personal that television decided to show the world how these figures of dogtown are just human beings. Not all of them drink and drive, get arrested for possession of Lyndsey Lohan (cocaine), get accused of rape, smoke weed, drink syrup (not Aunt Jemima), have sex with a minor, have infidelity issues, kill themselves, and make a public fool of themselves (im talking to you Lebron). It was this moment that made me feel like this athlete was more than a celebrity, but instead a Teddy Ruxpin who just wants to be heard and seen and understood. It was this moment that I realized how much I hate......................... interracial relationships.

A short STORY

An American football place kicker has to go through life before and during the kick. He stretches to ensure his muscles are warmed and flexible. He takes a couple of practice kicks to ensure he is stretched and accurate for the upcoming kick. He gets a synergy speech from his coaches and teammates. He jogs out to the place where this kick is going to take place and takes a few more practice kicks in what I like to call "air kicks." He sets up and counts his steps to ensure this kick is no different than all his other kicks. Most times he is superstitious and all motions and movements have to be exactly like before or else in his mind the kick has already failed. But this time, so far so good. He feels it. He owns it. This bitch is his and he will give her the goods. He will give her the boot. He is set. He sees the playclock. He sees the football. The holder is ready. The place kicker is ready. The snap. Its perfect. The hold. It too is precise. Its in this moment that he knows this kick is the winner. The golden ticket. The stuff dreams are made of. He takes a deep breath. He takes his step and in perfect form kicks the most beautiful ball he has ever kicked. The WINNER. He is so confident, HE doesnt even look. He knows it was the coin. He know it was a little piece of an angels wing. What he didnt know this forth night is just that. He wasnt. The kick went wide left. He hooked it. And life was never the same...............until..............

Sleep Monkey

Let me tell you a story about the best nap I have ever had in my life. This nap made me feel like a bum who just hit the jackpot and found a twenty dollar bill. Like a hooker who has a cop as a john. Like a rapper who is white. This nap was equivalent to a buffet of vaginas but like with no old people. I hate that. Go away Home Style Country Buffet. Back to the nap. So this nap lasted what seemed forever, an eternity if you will. This nap was like going back into time and taking an even longer nap from before. Marty McFly has possibly taken a nap like this. Maybe. In reality this amazing nap lasted 9 seconds. And within this eclectic 9 seconds a bull was ridden and a butterfly was born. Super Fantastic right? Now this nap was not taken in any ordinary location. In fact this location could be a health hazard condemned only for OSHA to observe. Or if my cousins are doing their job this place could be heavenly and red wine could be drank from the windows to the wall. Probably not. This nap of the ages lasted a eternal 9 seconds and took place while standing at a URINAL. Yes a mother fucking URINAL. Now free people of the world, I urge you not to be jealous. A 9 second nap while standing at a urinal holding my Mexican penis is something you will NEVER experience. And if you own or rent a vagina YOU really will NEVER experience this epic nap. Let us pray.
On A Side Note:
DO NOT TALK TO ME WHILE I AM TAKING A PISS AT A URINAL. EVER YOU FUCKS.

BOLO (be on the look out)

Im looking for a movie. It has a midget or maybe 3 midgets and it takes place in Europe when having midgets was an acceptable form of pet ownership.The setting may be Germany and during a World War. Possibly WW ONE or WW TWO. The midgets were part of a circus or USO troupe and they entertained soldiers on the daily. This movie is no ordinary movie. In case you didnt here me, there are midgets and they are the stars of the show. At one point during this movie the midget is fondling a child in all her nakedness and there is a sick and twisted scene of muff diving between the midget and the young woman. I am not really sure of the plot, however this was a real movie with no subtitles and again it had midgets. There was alot of midget sexual content along with a story line of war and maybe even peace. The movie is older as I would guess like maybe made in the 70's or 80's. I saw this movie almost in its entirity in the summer of 2000 and all my dreams would come true if this film is located. Ask your friend and your families. Maybe ask your priest or pastor. Definatly ask any midgets you may know. This is urgent as the lives of 4 teenage midgets lie in my hands.

How to Save a Life

I was recently observing the world and came upon a story of hope. The place of where I stumbled upon this is not relevant. The time that the story was told does not matter. The person whom I delegated my ears too is an invisible being for this sake.

It was about HOPE and more specifically about a BUM. For reasons of being politically correct we will say HOMELESS PERSON. Now this poetic justice is a story of not only hope but also the goodness in all of the creatures of the world. In this story there is a boy whom is lost and lets just say it: TOTALLY FUCKED UP BEYOND ALL BELIEF. This boy is 27 years old and had been drinking for 48 hours straight. He had lost his friends, had no money, no cell phone (no beeper), and was at a point in his binge where he could not fathom the thought of moving his body parts any longer. This boy became immovable at a park bench in front of a police station and well PASSED THE FUCK OUT. It was than that hope came in the body of a BUM. A homeless man. A man who possibly had seen it all. A man who could have been your grandfather. A man who may at one time been your boss or even been a man who gave birth to you at any given time. Tonight this man was a BUM and with him was HOPE. He assisted this boy with accumulated data of "you need to move from this spot or the cops will arrest you." Good advice indeed. This bum whom we will name Charlie Bumgardener also offered this boy food. Maybe not a 7 courser, but a cold piece of chicken breast. A cold piece of chicken breast that at the time saved a boys life. This night was not about quantity but instead quality. OF LIFE. Yes readers, a BUM saved a boys life. And a BUM may save your life one day. Be good to BUMS and always know WHERE THE FUCK YOU ARE.