Gremlins

Who remembers that Christmas cult classic that came out that cold day in 1984. No one? I mean Gremlins is a classic. It should have its own marathon like that in comparison to A Christmas Story. Bravo? Fox? Anybody? It stars the beautiful or at least what was considered beautiful Phoebe Cates. Could you imagine if that was instead played by Kendra? WOW. Than you have that weird looking dude Zach Gallinafikis or whatever. I mean horrible actor, but at least Gizmo was voiced by the the best bald dude with a fu man chu tai chi, none other than "deal or no deal" Howie Mandel. By the way did you know they have a fricking ferbie that looks like Gizmo. Why? I digress for now. All this reminiscing has made me ill. All I want to know is, did this man sell you a Mogwai?

Job Opportunity (NOT A PONZI SCHEME)

WHO WANTS TO BE A PIRATE?
 I am having auditions on Thursday March 3, 2012. We will kidnap Americans and have a "ransom war" on ebay which will be aired on truTV on Sunday evenings at 9pm PST and hopefully rerun every hour on the hour the rest of the week. VERY IMPORTANT: We will use all proceeds collected from each ransom for three things and three things only. Booze. Drugs. Red headed hookers.
Looking for male and females and ages from 21-33 and one old guy at least 72 years old with a gnarly beard and love for mediterranean cuisine. Please be physically fit and can lift at least 50 pounds. Looking for creativity with wardrobe and any kind of weapon skills. Preferably chinese shooting stars. Please no homemade shanks. No background check, but we will check your credit. No drug screening.

Push Ups

So recently I witnessed something that I would call the gayest moment in the history of my life. Push Ups. No not bras you pervs. Military style push ups by non military style men. Wait. And at a Friday nite hookah bar nonetheless. Now the hookah bar was a fine establishment, but push ups. Give me a fucking break. Eight boys wanting to be men, doing one handed push ups. Doing one legged push ups. Doing push ups and than that idiotic clap in between. Doing push ups in tandem. Counting push ups out loud. In case you have not graduated grade school and do not understand my rant, I was at a fucking HOOKAH BAR on a Friday evening. During this time I had psychotic episodes of drowning nearby in the Pacific Ocean, but than I would not be able to share this form of idiocy with you today. Its ok that my suicidal tendencies of thought occured this nite, however doing push ups at a hookah bar is not alright. Not never. Not ever. I see one more push up at a hookah bar and I swear a crime will be committed that night.

I said it!

“Life gets better when your around the right people!”

NewFoundLand

A strong wind blows to the north. A land which was never explored is discovered.
A sacred holy ground. A cold draft hovers above and a drop is dripping. My fingers which were once cold are now warm. A rainbow appears. Its beautiful like Picasso just painted it. A bond is formed. I discovered new land and within this land a treasure to supply the world. With FREEDOM.

Masterbathing

So I masterbathed today. It was full of anger while having breakfast in bed. It was like sunshine during a flood. It made me feel like the fat guy in Nintendo's classic Ice Hockey game. And yeah he was the best player because he was playing with power and power whips speed and that skinny crack fiend every time. The dilemma I have are the thoughts that went through my head during this moment of my life. Let me tarantino this and set the scene. Shower. Dark (dont judge). A little Alanis Morrisette in the background. Paul Mitchell Shampoo. Dove soap. Steaming hot water.
Now the action. It starts off with a "I need to wake up and get my ass to work" type of moment. Im tired. A little sleepy. Its early. I skipped my morning jog and meditation so there is a little regret in the air. The shower is burning my skin and it feels like I am the devil and this is my home. Than I rub my head (the one connected to my neck)in a "I should have been a gay hairstylist" motion. I feel like im in a Korean massage parlor and I want, wait I NEED a happy ending. I get this light bulb above my brain and there is a picture of my balls being massaged by Heidi Klum and she is telling me that "Im either IN or Im OUT". I begin to massage my balls as if Heidi is now controlling my hands. I grab the dove soap. Now its game on. My mind drifts to a goat. And specifically George Clooney making a goat tip over with his mind. A movie I just watched. I get harder. But like harder when you are not gay but like want to keep the masterbathing going and typically you would think of your grandmother. Weird I know. The lesson learned here is I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO SPELL MASTERBATHING.

Personal Rant

I have to say something and people are not going to like it. At this point I do not give 2 flying fucks, which ironically 2 flying fucks are worth 400 yen in certain countries. Anyway what is the damn problem with perfume. Don't people know they smell like cheap fucking hookers. Example: I was in a meeting at work, a small room, and this fucking old man smelt like dirty gym shorts, but with a old spice twang. I felt like I was going to barf in my mouth. Twice. Example: I was at a poker game when a mildly attractive woman sat down next to me. I could tell she had not showered, but she had on a perfume that reminded me of a shit I took in 1999 after eating rotten kimchee while in South Korea. The flashback I had took me to a place that I WOULD wish on all of my enemies. Fuck them. Example: I went to a bar with a friend of mine and again not a fucking shower. What is wrong with people where they will not shower. I really question their parents and their morals. They want to get fucking laid with formaldehyde weeping from their genitals. Seriously. Fucking morons. To his credit he did have axe deodorant, however it was not axe, but instead the cheap shit. And if your wondering if I am talking shit behind his back, I have told him to his face he is a FUCKING LOSER. Fuck all of you for judging. The point of this rant is to promote my new fragrance. PUSSY JUICE. Get it at your local grocery stores today. Also take a fucking shower men and women of the free world, and while your at it get a fucking LIFE.