The day ended with not a soul in sight. It was dark. Very dark. I was alone. The normal melody of the world around me was silent. No movement at all. No crickets in the background to acknowledge the silence. The air became mute. I tried to think about light and all its essence, but I had no memory. I tried to search for any remnants of life around me, but there was none. I was alone on this night. I wondered if I yelled, would that cause an effect. I contemplated what skills I had to create life. I conjured a spliff of an idea to determine where I was. Than like a ghost in the darkness it was gone. I moved my fingers to my eyelids to ensure they were indeed open. They were. I began to speak as if to deny my stubbornness that this was just a dream. "Hello?" I hear no echo. All I hear is dark silence. There is no adjective to describe the sense of what was around me. How do you describe "nothing?" I start to walk. My calves ache excruciatingly. My toes feel as if they are non existent. I feel my feet though. My mind knows there are toes. But they are just not there. My abdomen cracks with each step as if to tell me I am not strong. I disagree. I have no sense of direction. I follow my instinct and I just walk. I am not afraid. I challenge the darkness. I challenge the pain. I challenge the unknow. I walk. Alone. Than a thought. My guitar. I remember my desire to play in tune the Beatles "I'm a Loser." A beautiful melody that I cannot hear, but that I remember and my ears twinkle at that moment. They are telling me, "we are here with you and we will not let you down." I feel the lyrics in my bones:
What have I done to deserve such a fate?
I realize I have left it too late
And so it's true, pride comes before a fall
I'm telling you so you won't lose all
I'm a loser
And I lost someone who's near to me
I'm a loser
And I'm not what I appear to be
I begin to feel indifferent to this world. It's not the darkness. It's not the feeling of lost. It's not even the pain. It is just indifference. I do not question it. I walk alone in the darkness. But I am not alone. I'm just not.
