So I masterbathed today. It was full of anger while having breakfast in bed. It was like sunshine during a flood. It made me feel like the fat guy in Nintendo's classic Ice Hockey game. And yeah he was the best player because he was playing with power and power whips speed and that skinny crack fiend every time. The dilemma I have are the thoughts that went through my head during this moment of my life. Let me tarantino this and set the scene. Shower. Dark (dont judge). A little Alanis Morrisette in the background. Paul Mitchell Shampoo. Dove soap. Steaming hot water.
Now the action. It starts off with a "I need to wake up and get my ass to work" type of moment. Im tired. A little sleepy. Its early. I skipped my morning jog and meditation so there is a little regret in the air. The shower is burning my skin and it feels like I am the devil and this is my home. Than I rub my head (the one connected to my neck)in a "I should have been a gay hairstylist" motion. I feel like im in a Korean massage parlor and I want, wait I NEED a happy ending. I get this light bulb above my brain and there is a picture of my balls being massaged by Heidi Klum and she is telling me that "Im either IN or Im OUT". I begin to massage my balls as if Heidi is now controlling my hands. I grab the dove soap. Now its game on. My mind drifts to a goat. And specifically George Clooney making a goat tip over with his mind. A movie I just watched. I get harder. But like harder when you are not gay but like want to keep the masterbathing going and typically you would think of your grandmother. Weird I know. The lesson learned here is I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO SPELL MASTERBATHING.
